Radio Silent No More

While I wonder sometimes if anyone actually listens to the radio anymore, the best term I can muster to explain the recent absence of posts is "radio silent." However, as hectic as the holidays are for everyone, I'm guessing you didn't even notice. :-)

In summary, the previous 30 days found me "packing" in as many activities as possible. And I ain't kiddin' about the packing. We moved back into our house (confusing?) on December 14. I'm now somewhere between barely unpacked and insane. For the last seven months, we've called an apartment home; so even with boxes galore, it feels so.good.to.be.home. Along with the moving, we threw in a family trip or two and that small, teeny tiny holiday you might have heard of--Christmas.

The year 2012 will not go down in history as the end of the world, but, for us, as the year of the remodel.  With that tremendous excitement and hope of a new home for our family also came the usual stress and overwhelming nature of the project. But all in all, it was manageable and we feel no worse for the wear. Miracle? I think so.

Sadly, this year too will also forever be the year I lost my mom. In the midst of the joy and bliss and "new" and festive, grief and sadness still linger. Ah, grief is a beast you cannot tame.

So, here's to 2013! May it be boring, bland, and completely uneventful. Who's with me?

Watch This!

The clip below is hysterical! Why? Like most funnies, it's humorous because it's TRUE. While I haven't been the recipient of all of these comments (the international adoption comments actually), I have encountered the majority of them. And yes, like you, I think, "What in the world?" But hey, don't we all say stuff we regret? Sometimes it's just better to chuckle.

Arkansas Memorial

Next Friday, November 30, my family will host a memorial reception in honor of my mother, who passed away on October 10. This will be at Community Church at Chaffee Crossing, 1900 Church Street, Barling, Arkansas 72923. Please join us and feel free to come and go any time between 6:00-8:00 p.m.

Mom's obituary will run in this Sunday's Southwest Times Record.

Autopsy

In terms of uplifting and day-brightening blog post titles, I'm not sure this one is a winner.

But a fact.

And who do you know that carries around death certificates in her work bag for a week? That'd be me.

For those of you who don't already know, the coroner officially deemed "smoke and soot inhalation" as the cause of my mother's death. Contributing to her death, the coroner listed "congestive heart failure" and "hypertensive arteriosclerotic vascular disease." Now that may not sound like good news to you; in fact, it was a surprise to me because our family didn't know mom struggled with these health issues. But this revelation coupled with the what we already knew of her declining health--multiple diabetic maladies and recovery from a broken hip earlier this year--brings comfort to me.

It explains why my mother only made it about six feet before collapsing once the grease fire broke out. She was apparently cooking chicken on the stovetop. Her walker was fourish feet away at the sink. She made it to the dining table, trying for the back door. It also comforts me to know she did not suffer long. Her body with those health struggles could not sustain life very long at all.

The complete autopsy--as far as I know--is not yet released. I suppose some of the testing takes a bit.

But some closure is better than no closure. For that, I'm thankful.

Family from the Funeral

On October 17--my mother's birthday, no less--my family gathered to pay respects to my mother's memory. Sadly, it seems, only major events like funerals, weddings, and births get us together anymore. But something is better than nothing. I absolutely treasured the time spent. Here are a few (well, a ton) snapshots to share:

Halloween Numero Dos

It's the second Halloween in Anna's little life. Too bad she didn't get to trick-or-treat this year. Sniff, sniff. An ear infection ruined our fun. (And I was planning on eating all her chocolate. Fail.) 

But don't cry too many tears. She DID get to dress up in her OU cheerleader outfit for music class yesterday. And she doesn't even like sweets so no disappointment there (for HER anyway; I'm still pouting about all the Twix bars I'm forfeiting). Here she is singing a musical tune:

This is really what I saw most of music class, that is, when she wasn't plastered to my shoulder. This was earlier in the day, pre-ear infection diagnosis. Thus, why we decided to skip the festivities tonight. As you can see from the pic, the fun was touch and go. 

Yes, that's my daughter in the back . . . the one picking her nose. Sigh. 

Buddies. Giving each other "the look." "So, your mom dressed you up like a fool too, eh?" 

Yes, don't adjust your glasses, contacts, or your screen. That's me--and Anna--on a horse. You can thank the wonderful Ms. Lisa for this. :-) We joined her at a fall festival; and somehow I got talked into a horse ride with the wee one. It was fun, and I enjoyed entertaining the audience with my graceful on-and-off the horse routine.  

Anna was enthralled with "toss the tennis ball" here. She also played a few rounds of bean-bag toss, go fish, and the pick a duck. She loved it! 

Happy Halloween from the Youree cowgirls! 

More School Shots

No, no, not needles, silly. Pictures.

I actually loaded these pictures weeks ago but never got around to adding text. Better late than never, right? The sandals have been replaced with socks and the sleeveless is not a long-sleeved shirt. But maybe not for long; supposed to have highs in the 80s later this week. 

The girl loves her lunchbox, er bag. And she carries it with her arm up the entire way. This is how she rolls every Friday for school.

Here is her class minus Hannah. 

Her cubby she shares with Gabe from the 2's class.

Friday school has been a big treat for Anna. She loves it more than I want to admit. :-) This last Friday, she was able to glue construction paper onto a paper plate. Time. of. her. life. Yay for Fridays!

God Moves in a Mysterious Way

God moves in a mysterious way

His wonders to perform;

He plants his footsteps in the sea,

And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines

Of never-failing skill,

He treasures up his bright designs,

And works his sov'reign will.

His purposes will ripen fast,

Unfolding ev'ry hour;

The bud may have a bitter taste

But sweet will be the flow'r.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,

And scan his work in vain;

God is his own interpreter,

And he will make it plain.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;

The clouds ye so much dread

Are big with mercy and shall break

In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,

But trust him for his grace;

Behind a frowning providence

He hides a smiling face.

-William Cowper

Chris Is Discharged

Not really his home, but my sister's. Why? Because Chris doesn't live in Nashville.

For those of you confused or just tuning in, let me catch you up:

Our mother died in a house fire on October 5 in Van Buren, Arkansas. My brother Chris lived with her but was not at home during the blaze accident. On October 16 & 17, we had services for her in East Tennessee. My brother drove there. He was limping due to pain in his right foot. My husband even checked out his foot on Tuesday. The would was still there but did not appear to be infected.

On Chris' trip back to Arkansas, he stopped in Nashville where my sister lives to stay the night. The next morning he awoke with his foot in much worse shape.

The rest follows in this order: urgent care clinic, ER, admitted, surgery, four-day stay, discharged yesterday, horrible night at Tina's house with vomiting and pain.

The surgeon said it should take around a month to heal if all goes well. He has an open would that home health services is treating every other day; and my sweet sister is changing otherwise. He goes back to doctor on Wednesday for a follow-up appointment. How long he will stay in Nashville is not yet certain, but could possibly be a month.

Birthday Musings of an Orphan

Let's get the obvious out of the way: Today is weird because the lady who birthed me is no longer on this planet. She only celebrated 31 birthdays in my honor. She died on October 10, 2012. And that flat out stinks.

But today hasn't been all smelly.

I spent most of the day in Dallas, working to proofread a magazine. Sounds like a fun killer, you say? Nope, to the contrary, dear reader. The distraction of hunting for misspellings, grammatical mistakes, and out of whack formatting was just what I needed. Coupled with that, the kindness of my twice-a-month coworkers humbled and elated me. I received gifts of homemade chocolate-chip cookies (my fav), two bags of peanut M&Ms (a regular proofreading snack), and the most sophisticated birthday cake I've ever seen: white cake, the real-deal-raspberry filling, and dee-vine cream cheese frosting all nestled in this chic birthday package styling. Such a sweet--literally--gesture.

Along those lines, I've been meaning to tell you . . . .

As I've meandered, well mostly stumbled, through the last two weeks, my soul has been so moved by the kindness of others expressed to my family and me. The calls, voicemails, emails, texts, Facebook posts and messages, visits, cards, food, flowers--the words of condolence and comfort, no matter how eloquent or awkward--have meant. the. world. to. me. It's more than the heartwarming feeling of knowing others care or have acknowledged your pain; it's the mystical power of kindness melting my sadness. Friends, truly, your words have been balm to my aching heart. You've been an extension of God's love. What a mind-boggling joy to know we do not grieve alone.

Although the words awesome and amazing are over-used and left almost useless, they are all I can muster to capture God's grace to me in all of this. How in one breath, all the unfixable became fixed. All the brokenness, healed. All I'd hoped and prayed for regarding my mom, He answered. Where there was chaos and lies, immediately truth prevailed. Victory instead of defeat. Love instead of abuse. Mercy instead of sin. Beauty in the midst of her ashes. Such kindness crumbles my doubts, my fears, my regrets. How deep the Father's love for her, for me . . . for you.

And a God who can provides all of that can certainly care for a newly orphaned girl, er, woman through whatever sadness and tragedy flanks her . . . my path.

So with that, here's how my birthday evening wound down: Rocking a sweet Anna Zane asleep in my arms. While her nanny surely wasn't excited about Anna's decision to play in her crib during nap time, her entire nap time, it served as a sweet birthday gift for me. She was asleep in the rocker before we got through a lullaby--a treat that doesn't happen often these days. She's a blessing too magnificent for words.

Ah, the God who loves me, the orphan, who redeems my hurts. What a picture of Him in my daughter's eyes, well, eyelids. She was asleep after all.

"You have said, 'Seek my face.' My heart says to you, 'Your face, LORD, do I seek.' Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation! For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in.

"Teach me your way, O LORD, and lead me on a level path because of my enemies. Give me not up to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and they breathe out violence.

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!" -Psalm 27:8-14

Surgery Was a Success!

Chris' surgery went quick and well. The infection was deeper than originally expected, but the surgeon was able to clean it well. The wound will be open for a few days depending on how quickly his cultures come back negative. The doc wants at least two negative cultures before they close it up. The nurses are keeping a good eye on his blood sugar levels with the help of insulin. So we are hoping this will enable his foot to heal properly.

After he is released from the hospital, he will need home health for a couple weeks to change bandages, clean the wound, etc. Chris and the doctors are presently determining whether this needs to take place in Nashville or Van Buren.

Surgery

Chris is slated for surgery on his foot at 7:30 a.m.  Cultures confirmed that he has strep and staph in his foot. This surgery will be to clean out the wound and will likely be left open for a few days to see how well it heals. We will know more once the surgery is over as to how severe the infection is.

For my friends in the Nashville area, if you happen to be free in the next day or two, I know my brother would appreciate a visit or a call. He's at Stonecrest in room 304. Since he doesn't live in Nashville, it's kinda lonely being in the hospital in a different city.

Will keep you updated. Thanks for the prayers.

Chris Is in the Hospital

Just when you think things couldn't get worse . . . .

My brother Chris was admitted to the hospital in Nashville today for a foot infection. He doesn't live in Nashville; he lived with my mother in Arkansas. You know, the house that caught fire? That one. He stopped at my sister's house last night on the way back from my mother's funeral services this week in east Tennessee. The wound on his foot declined rapidly, and he landed in the ER today.

My sister is with him and will alert the family when the doctor has visited with Chris.

To Our Arkansas Friends

As you know my mother's funeral services will be in Tennessee this week. However, my siblings and I have briefly discussed holding some sort of memorial event in the Fort Smith area. Details will be forthcoming once we have this week's events behind us.

Five Years and Counting

Happy Anniversary, my love. Five years and counting.

While today hasn't gone as planned--and the week the same--these difficult days paint the clearest picture of all I adore about you. Thank you for your faithful companionship, comfort, and love . . . and for being the one I can depend on. I am honored to be your wife.

Funeral Arrangements

A visitation will be held on October 16, Tuesday evening from 7:00-9:00 for friends and family to pay respects at Cooke Mortuary, 220 Highway 61 East, Maynardville, Tennessee.

The following day on October 17--which is my mother's birthday no less--the memorial service will take place at 10:00 a.m at Cooke Mortuary as well, followed by a graveside burial.

For my sweet, dear friends who've asked how they could express condolences, please consider contributing to Gideons International in lieu of flowers. My mother regularly contributed to the Gideons, especially when expressing her condolences to others. I would be so touched to know my mother's memory was honored in such a way.

A News Piece

The link below is to a news story on my mother. The write-up has one fact incorrect. She was not found in the bedroom. She was in the kitchen, but the officers accessed the house through a bedroom window because the doors were locked (and likely hot).

http://5newsonline.com/2012/10/10/one-person-killed-in-van-buren-house-fire/

No Funeral Date Yet Set

Friends, thank you heaps and bounds for the many sweet comforting and encouraging emails, posts, calls, and texts. It is medicine to my soul.

Many have asked about funeral arrangements. My siblings and I are working on that, but have logistics to sort through. At this point, a funeral date cannot be determined. But we will let everyone know just as soon as we know. Promise.

What I Know

It's not much.

Sometime yesterday after 11:00 a.m. mom started cooking chicken in the kitchen. And a some point, a grease fire likely--not confirmed, but likely--commenced. Since all the doors and windows were shut, the grease fire did not spread but burnt out before authorities arrived at the house.

A neighbor got mom's mail for her and was taking it to the door when she didn't get an answer and saw condensation on the window. There's conflicting reports about smelling smoke. She called authorities.

Two men entered the house and found mom in the kitchen and brought her to the yard to resuscitate her, but she had already passed.

Her body is now in Little Rock for an autopsy. We are waiting for more information from them to determine when funeral arrangements will be made.

Wilma Deanna Baker White: 10-17-43 / 10-10-12

Just one hour ago, I learned my mother passed away today. My brother's quick voice mail message informed me of her death. At this moment, I barely know any of the details. The news alone was enough to paralyze me for today.

In fact, I haven't even talked to my siblings yet because I don't quite have the emotional energy to talk. But I am compelled to write because that is the way God wired me to process. So I'm writing. And processing.

And hoping you will pray for me.

Little Reader

After putting away some laundry, I entered Anna's room to find the following. Warmed my heart.

We've found her reading by herself more and more. She's also reading to her babies. I wish you could see the look of pride on her face. 

Shenanigans

I've been sorting through some of Anna's summer clothes, making way for cooler weather. The warm-weather goods were placed in my closet. This evening, all of a sudden, she comes out of my room like this:

It seems she fancied these bloomers and tried to put them on herself. Of course, she wouldn't be still for me to get a good shot. But this "in action" shot is more representative of her anyway.

Always trying to climb:

I helped her get the bloomers on correctly. Then it was just plain silliness from there.

Next, she decided she wanted to wear the matching dress: 

That didn't last long. Too hot!

The bloomers were a keeper, though. 

Finally, we went wild with stickers. 

In other news (along these shenanigans lines), we haven't officially started potty training, although she will sit on the potty a couple times a day. Last night, she was sitting on the potty while I filled her bath. As soon as I put her in the water, guess what? She peed! Agh! And last weekend, Bryan walks into her room after nap time. He immediately thinks, "It stinks in here." Then he notices she's not wearing a diaper. She looks up and says "Uh-oh." He yells for help. Little Miss had removed her dirty diaper and spread its contents around the crib. Lord, help us.