And what is that word, you ask?
Thin. It's thin. Are you surprised?
I've debated telling you, honestly. It's a bit of a revealing . . . to share this. To you, it may be just a quick blog topic to scroll through, but to me, it's what has been filling my mind.
In the most stereotypical ways of all things new year, I am not as thin as I want to be. I want to be thinner by the end of 2019 than I was at the beginning. There are two articles that keep interfering with this exercise-more-eat-more-salad approach I'm grasping:
- "Redefining Self Care :: One Mama's Journey to Healthier Habits," got me in the gut, particularly the part about equating indulgence with self care. Essentially everything she wrote was what I experienced but couldn't put into words. That started me thinking that the issue isn't actually a number on the scale. My ideas about indulgence might actually be the culprit. Why did I want to indulge on the regular? Freedom or slavery?
- Next up, is another article, "Mama, Break the Food-Shame Cycle." Again, this one had me saying "yes" and "amen." At the core, I believe food is to be enjoyed; the author hits a home run when she reminds us that food does not have moral attributes or values. One food is not good and another is not bad. She proposes an intuitive approach to eating, which has me diving into what all this means.
I want to be thinner, but this has led me to dig into the why. Why do I want to be thinner? I'm not fully sure, but I'm working on it. I want to be thinner because my pants don't fit. I don't like the way I look completely. I want to be thinner because I started to tell a difference in how lack of exercise impacted my function. I want to be thinner because I equate thinner with healthier. Do you see how all of this gets jumbled and complicated and twisted? Does being 15 pounds lighter actually change anything other than the ability to zip my pants?
Sigh.
I want to be thinner this year because I'm stretched thin. The mister is smack dab in the middle of his worst call schedule in a lot of years. My business is booming louder than I can keep up. My kids are growing and expanding in needs and activities and learning and . . . .I do truly think I need to get a handle on my indulgences to set myself up for a better chance at making it through this season. That sound fine, right? How about I also admit I want to be thinner this year because I want control of something more. If I know so many aspects of this year are beyond my control, well, my weight is something I can handle.
I want to be thinner and to thin out my schedule because I'm stretched too thin . . . and my time with my kids is getting thinner. All clear?
I told you this was revealing, friends. ;-)
So, here is where I am today, three months into my thin quest:
- I'm going to continue my weight loss journey and say adios to 15-20 pounds. I'm going to do the work on the inside and the outside, pursuing healthier choices AND mulling over all my reasons why.
- I'm going to remember and relish in the fact that my value isn't tied to a scale or a call schedule.
- I'm going to remember that Jesus redeemed me. And there's a lot of everything that comes with that. This is my frame of mind for 2019: When I am thin -- and even when I'm not -- He is with me through the thick and thin. And that's a fact.
- I'm going to repeat and repeat: I'm actually not in control. Ever really. I can't organize and shuffle and shimmy and strategize enough to make life "okay." I can only thin out my schedule so much to I can thin down in this stretched-thin season. I need to stop being so scared of thin! So I want to settle into the harder of this season and know it won't ultimately impact the things that really matter. I pick freedom over slavery. I pick trusting Jesus with the icky I don't really care for.
- I'm going to keep evolving and listening and resting and pushing and hoping.
But it won't hurt that when you see me next, you say, "Oh wow, you look thinner." I'll know what you mean. ;-)
