Anna-isms #9

After the sadness of recent days, the blog needs a light-hearted post. So it's Anna Zane to the rescue. That little darling brings joy and laughter every.single.day. Here are a few jewels we've heard lately.

Louisa was crying while I was holding her; Anna, the ever doting sister, came over and tried to explain that everything was all right. She said, "Louisa, this is Mama, not a human." Anna has confused "human" with "stranger."

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The scariest words you will hear? When Anna says, "Close your eyes and open your mouth."

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"I think God eats crackers for lunch, yogurt for breakfast, and pasta for dinner."

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"I hope God never comes to our house. He'd break the door."

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As you can see God is a really big topic at our house these days . . . as well as conversation about "bathroom things." (What a combo, right?) These two worlds collided while she was on the toilet the other day.

"Mom, how big is God's toilet? It is the hugest in the world?"

I don't know, Anna. I am not sure God has a toilet.

"Let's ask Him right now." Closes her eyes, "God, how big is your toilet and what do you like to eat?"

A few days later, Anna also informed her father during bath time that she is an expert with it comes to pee and poop.

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Anna is really interested in writing letters. She also wants you to show her words; we are thankful for her interest in these. She's always learning at a quicker rate than we can keep up. Anna's smart and very social. Playing in the backyard by herself  (with me obsessively looking out the window) is a new accomplishment for her. Oh, the things she gets into (water, dirt, stirring, you get the idea). She fancies edamame, pistachios, clementines, and french fries these days. But give it a week, her "favorites" will be different. Anna is excited about getting older. Just the other day, she walked up to me, showed me her arm, and said, "Look, I have hair on my arms now." This is, of course, a milestone to getting older . . . in her mind. 

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At school today, Anna had a subsitute teacher. When I asked the teacher's name, she told me, "Karen Carpenter." Interesting . . . .

This is from the same girl who told me James Taylor was in her class.

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Now that I am often otherwise detained with little sis, Anna is quite adept at helping herself to the fridge and pantry. She seems to employ the "ask for forgiveness not permission" philosophy in this regard. I am convinced she will be 7' 2'' given the amount of food she is eating recently. 

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If you follow me on Facebook and/or Instagram, you have notice the number of photos of Anna have significantly diminished. This is not because I've ditched her for the new baby. She is in some phase of refusing to be photographed. Her Dad is rubbing off . . . .

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The big news in our house is the arrival of little sister. So many people have so sweetly inquired how Anna handled the adjustment. First, Anna is the BEST big sister. I know, I know that I am biased, but really . . . she adores Lou. She can't wait until Lou wakes from a nap. Anna wants to be part of everything in her care. Anna often tells Lou, "I love you the most." She talks about how they are sisters and will be best friends. It's melt your heart adorable. And she helps me soooo much . . . without complaint or whine: get diapers, put bottle in sink, toss clothes in laundry, find toys. It's sweet how interested she is in being part of Lou's care.

But.

Anna does struggle with sharing attention, especially if Mama needs to focus more on Lou. We talk a lot about taking turns and about the role of a big sis. Overall, though, I think Louisa is so lucky to have Anna for a big sister. And I know I am deeply blessed to call her my daughter. 

We Prayed for a Miracle

For certain, hundreds prayed for my friend Bethany. That number is likely more in the thousands, but I’m always one to estimate modestly. I prayed. Family prayed. Friends prayed. Friends of friends prayed. Missionaries prayed. Pastors prayed. Children prayed. Strangers prayed.

Yet, Bethany passed away in the early morning hours on January 8, less than two weeks after her initial breast cancer diagnosis. She leaves behind a husband of 10 years, three children under the age of 6, and numerous family and friends shocked and sick and sad by her death.

So with all that praying, why no miracle?

I’ve been asking that question—and several others—for the last 10 days. If the elder session at my church were aware of some of my thoughts, my excommunication is a likely possibility.

As I’ve said before, prayer is a mystery I cannot crack. Yes, the more and more I think about it, reading Scripture as my guide, I’m realizing that my personal view of prayer, uh, of God, is more like a vending machine, a genie in a bottle, a lucky charm, a help hotline. Doesn’t God respond to simple formulas? Jesus follower + request to God = all my desires come true. Or even better: Jesus follower + asking for a good thing = guaranteed affirmative response. Isn’t there a point when the sheer number of people praying for one thing trumps God’s plan? Totally what we think, right? If we could only get a few more folks to pray about this, then . . . .

Although I cannot completely explain the mystery of prayer, nor is this the post for me to try, I can assert, with quite a bit of confidence, that God not only heard our prayers, but also responded.

Months ago my four college pals (which included Bethany) and I planned a girls’ getaway. Airlines tickets were purchased. Husbands asked off work. Kiddos cared for. Dozens and dozens of weeks in advance the way was made easy for Lori, Natalie, Emilee, and I to be able to change destinations and to be able to be together to celebrate and bury our friend. Luck or chance had nothing to do with it. God knew our needs and provided for them before we even realized we had a need. To me, that is miraculous.

And how many times did I say to my husband in the last week, “I will not be able to handle it if she dies. It will be impossible for me to be okay.” These were not and are not flippant statements. I meant it. I mean it. Yet, God’s faithfulness, mercy, and sovereignty have and will enable me put one foot in front of the other. It is a miracle that David, Debbi, Brooke, Brandon, Isaac, Jude, Naomi, and on and on and on can function, not to mention laugh and dream of the future. It is a miracle. 

The miracle of redemption has made this possible; and that miracle is still working out in my life, in their lives. We have much to stir us and cause amazement. We have much for which to be thankful.

Cancer Is Eating My Friend {Pray for Bethany}

Apologies for the harsh title. It's just how I feel. It's all the cliches; it's all the usual descriptors; it's all the ick that exists.

It's a nightmare that won't end. A train wreck in slow motion. A Mack truck making its rounds. A breath I'm trying to catch. I'm in the deep end. I'm treading water . . . and not very well.

Only last week my friend, Bethany Lytle, learned of her breast cancer diagnosis. In the handful of days that followed, I've read these words in emails and Facebook updates and heard messages over the phone:

The cancer is confirmed.
Then it's invasive and aggressive.
Surgery postponed for months, maybe a year until chemo has a chance to work
Depressed and in a dark place.
Next, feeling very poorly
The doctor wants you to come back in
Calcium is dangerously high.
Having a PET.
Chemo next Monday
No, chemo on this Friday
Wait. Chemo tomorrow.
Not having a PET
The cancer is aggressive
Praying for a miracle.

Cancer is eating my friend. And I feel sick. Sick to my stomach. Sick in my heart. My friend is sick with cancer.

And she's just not any friend. She is a dearest, a best, a "just-like-a-sister." We shared millions of laughs, tears, and bags of Doritos in the 14 years I've known her. We've watched each other marry. We've moved miles away. We've welcomed babies. We planned to be cranky old Southern women together. I still want that.

I struggle to understand the role and purpose of prayer in relation to God's sovereignty. Yet, that complexity doesn't keep me from believing prayer is purposeful and necessary. If God has placed such emphasis on it and it's role in my life, I will pursue it . . . while clinging to Romans 8. Please, groan on my behalf, on my friend's behalf. I am praying without ceasing, and I mean that quite literally. I am praying because of who Jesus is and what He has accomplished for Bethany and myself; after all, that is the meaning of "in Jesus' name." I am praying as one who grieves but never does so without hope. I am praying boldly. I am praying with supplications and thanksgiving. I am praying.

And I beg you to do the same.

As "coincidence" would have it, this weekend is a first-ever girls' trip for my college buddies and me. Bethany was to be part of that trip, but, obviously she cannot attend. And as "coincidence" goes, the getaway destination turned out to be a short distance from where she is hospitalized. So the four friends are driving to visit with Bethany and her family during our trip. It's not what we planned those many months ago when we daydreamed about this trip, but I am immensely grateful for the opportunity to visit my friend and share the experience with the girls who helped me become a woman.

I will look to the hills. From where comes my help? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth.

Why Did You Name Her Louisa? (And Other Fun Facts About Her Adoption)

When it comes to naming little people, the hubs and I take it seriously (as I am sure all parents do). It's  one thing to daydream about what you'll name your six kids one day (maybe girls only do this), but it's another thing when those cuties are a reality. (No, we are not having six children. When I was 16, I had six names I liked so I decided I must parent six children so that these fantastic names could be used. Ah, my teenage self . . . .)

Every letter of our first born's name has significance; so it is no surprise that our second daughter's name carries the same weight.

Louisa (pronounced Lou-ee-sah; we've been asked multiple times, which is fine; just thought I'd clear it up; geez, I'm using a lot of parenthesis in this post): My great, great grandmother on my father's maternal side (did you follow that?) was named Louisa. Since Anna is named after my mother, Lou is a nod to my dad. Bryan also has a great aunt Louise.

Louisa means "renowned warrior."And I love that. For whatever reason, this little one needed that name. It fit.

And last, and probably of most revealing of all, the name Louisa means something to me. It represents a lot of what I hold important. There is the familial connection. There is the obvious (if you know me) literary association (yes, I was part of the Louisa May Alcott society in college). There is also the meaning of the name. To me, Louisa means a fighter who champions noble causes, a fighter who is successful in her endeavors, a fighter for good . . . but Louisa is also a feminine name, depicting grace and gentleness . . . Louisa, thanks to Ms. Alcott, also represents a love of the arts and everything this female writer accomplished (especially for women) through her work . . . . Louisa hints at redemption. During my early twenties, God worked to turn ashes into beauty in my life. The name Louisa reminds me of the faithfulness and hope God showed me during those LMA days.

Bryn: This is a variation of her daddy's name: Bryan. (He says he gave his A to Anna.) Bryn means "a hill" and has association to Bryan, of course, which means "force, strength." Some will combine the two indicating that the hill is steep and strong, like a stronghold in battle. Every time I think about the strength of her all her names and how hill is incorporated, Psalm 121: "I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the LORD, who made heaven and earth."

Caroline: This is in honor of her birth name. She was named after her maternal birth grandmother. In keeping with the theme, Caroline is a version of Charles . . . and means "strong, famous bearer." The French use the name as a derivative of Carol, which means joyous song. We like both. :-)

"Coincidentally enough" we realized after we included Caroline in her name that Bryan's grandmother, Zane Snellgroves, (who our Anna Zane is named after), was married to Pop Snellgroves whose name is Buster Carroll. Alas, Zane and Carol-ine are back together again!

On the Fort Worth Moms Blog, where I am the managing editor, I posted a piece today about our adoption story with Louisa. This describes what we encountered during the 14-month wait for our littlest love. Enjoy!