Grief

I cannot speak for my siblings, or for my parents, but the grief tide is already rolling through my heart and mind. In the midst of medical updates and extinguished "fires," the often elusive and ignored emotional toil is present. This is what I'm thinking through, working through today.

Grief needs its own word. Sadness, sorrow, and heartache just don't cut it. I suppose "grief" is sufficient enough of a word, but no one knows what it means until you experience it. And we all do at some point. I believe I'm just at the threshold. But I might argue too . . . that for each person you lose, that grief experience is different. I have already buried two grandparents and a nephew, not to mention friends and acquaintances. But this is different for me.

It's hard to watch someone die, over days and weeks. Knowing what's coming, but not knowing when. Wanting it to be over, but wishing it would never come. Conflicted and confusing.

I'm already grieving over what is to come, what is happening now, what never happened, and what never will. You know me, I like to get a head start on things.