Home Study: Third Time's the Charm?

Roughly one year ago, we sat in my living room with a new case worker. This family of three started the steps to become more--a family of four. But here we are . . . still a family of three. (A happy family of three, by the way.) It's the cliche tried and true phrase, but "if you'd told me a year ago . . . I wouldn't have believed you."

I'm weary of waiting as I've written before.

But I'm confident that waiting is what we need to do . . . waiting for whatever God has "next" for us. So, today, in efforts to keep waiting, we renewed our home study. Our case worker came again to look at the house, ask us questions, "interview" Anna. (Hysterical really. Little Miss is recovering from a head cold/virus, and, for whatever reason, when she is ill, she is delusional and hyper. JUST the kind of behavior I was hoping for in front of the case worker. Just.)

We experienced one home study with Anna, and two this go around, making this (all you math wizards), our third rodeo. Home studies are likely the most never-wracking thing for adoptive parents because you place all this unreal pressure on yourself. I soooo didn't do that this time because I know the drill. It's not intrusive; it's not uncomfortable. I tried really hard to just show normal life at the Yourees. We didn't even put up the laundry drying in my room. Teehee.

We're thus waiting for the home study to be approved, which should be before October 1st. And then we will wait some more . . . but hopefully not that much. :-)

Five Years After the Farewell

Friends sometimes ask me what it feels like for your father to die. And more specifically, what it feels like for both your parents to die while you are still (relatively) young. Certainly, I was not the only 28-year-old to lose a father, nor was I the only 31-year-old to bury her mother. But I am a minority in this category.

So.

Five years ago today, around 6:20 in the evening, my dad's body finally felt the full effects of the cancer in his brain. He died. I immediately thought how weird this all felt and seemed. Grieving, in my best descriptive term, was . . . weird. It's difficult to define, much like parenthood. No one can explain or prepare you for it; it's unique. The same is true with burying your parents.

In the days and weeks and months after September 5, I wondered how this would all feel in time. And now five years of grieving have come and gone. What's different? What's the same?

I sobbed a lot at first. I still sob.

I thought about him daily. I still do.

I wanted him to know things about me; things like what I'm growing in my garden, publishing successes, and the joy of Anna Zane. Yep, still wish for that--and more. I'd like him to know we remodeled our house, we hope to adopt again, and that I attended the NCAA Final Four AND championship game to watch Kentucky play. Y'all, if he knew, he would've (normally, I'd say "die," but I just don't think it's appropriate here) lost his mind. He loved college sports. So do I.

I yearned for our relationship to be mended. Still a desire of my heart I pray is realized in some way one day.

Grief is uncontrollable. You cannot control it. You can't force it, fast-forward it, or finish it. Grief is not only body-shaking sobs--really rarely this--but a regular mourning of all the little everyday-facets of that person. Putting mayo in my cart at Target and out of nowhere remembering that my Dad was picky about the brand of mayo. And I grieve right there that one endearing fact about him. I'll never laugh or poke fun at him for the mayo snobbery again. I'll never eat my grandmother's chocolate pie again. I'll never watch my mother use her pink brush to comb her hair. I'll never hear Mamaw White say, "Bless its little heart" again. This hurts me. It's not only the absence of the person, but what that absence means.

And I mean for this post to be encouraging. :-)

Because of this: At first, I just wanted this whole grief episode to be o-v-e-r. But I've realized that love for that person--along with the what ifs, wishes, and best ideas--doesn't die with the person. I will be grieving my parents until I'm the one in the casket. However, I've learned that grief becomes part of your life. You cope with it. It alters your perspective a tad--for the better, I think.

I now know another aspect of the pain depravity caused. I know the long-lasting sting of separation. It reminds me of my neediness and frailty. It reminds me only the hope of a Savior can sustain. It reminds me that not all is lost. And that, friends, I can live with.

Anna-isms #8

Perhaps, you've read these jewels on Facebook:

While giving Anna a bath, I tell her, "You know what? I think you are beautiful," hoping for a sweet mother/daughter moment.

She looks intently at me and says, "Well, you look tired."

********
Getting Anna dressed one morning, I called her "my baby girl." This immediately offends her as it would any 3.5-year-old girl. She is NOT a baby. I reply, "I know. I know. You're my big girl."

She gasps, "I can have a cough drop now?"

(There are cough drops in my bathroom drawer, which she often looks at and dreams about ingesting. She's been told she cannot have cough drops until she is sick and much bigger. Apparently, she thought THAT day had arrived.)

********
We've enjoyed a mild summer for the most part . . . until August hit. It's been too hot to do anything. In other parts of the country, people go stir crazy in the winter because they can't go outside; they feel stuck at home. Not so in Texas, my friend. We go stir crazy in the hot summer because it's too hot get out . . . like even to walk to the car. LOL. In the winter, the temps are bearable.

So in efforts to release some of Anna's energy, I send her and the nanny to the mall one morning while I worked. A few bucks can get ya ride on the carousel, a trip around the mall in the train, and some fun time in the play place. And there's a fountain to toss coins. You get the idea. Cool, cheap fun.

Because Anna's been reaaaaallllyyy struggling with overheating (think vomit), I asked the nanny to but Anna a soda before they left. A cold drink with ice to help keep her temp lower while riding in the car waiting for it to cool. I may or may not have told her to get Anna a "coke," which every Southern woman knows means a soda not necessarily a Coca-cola.

They get to the Chick-fil-a counter. The nanny asks Anna what she wants to drink. Anna says tea. The nanny says we have tea at home and to pick something else. She lists off the soda options. Anna picks a coke. She takes one drink of it--and with glee-- informs Ms. Kristi that her mom doesn't let her have caffeine. And then she takes another drink.

Um, Anna isn't allowed to drink caffeine. She only drinks Sprite/7-up/Ginger Ale for special treats. Ahem.

They arrive home with the coke; I hear the story. I chuckle because Anna thinks she has really pulled a fast one over on the nanny. The nanny laughs in this all-too-familiar grandmotherly tone . . . the oh-that's-okay-boy-did-we-have-fun-what-mama-doesn't-know-hee-hee.

After another sip, Anna looks directly into my eyes with great seriousness and say, "Don't tell Dad."

*******

Speaking of Ms. Kristi . . . .

I've been talking with Anna about boundaries and being kind . . . and telling me if anyone is ever mean to her, hurts her, ask her to do something wrong. That type of thing. I ask, "Has anyone ever been mean to you?"

"Yes."

"Who. Tell Mama."

"Ms. Kristi."

"What did Ms. Kristi do to you?"

"She put me in time out when I wasn't listening."

Face palm.

********
Gymnastics was a big hit this summer. She learned to do a forward roll, walk on the balance beam, and jump and hop like a crazy lady. And she even learned the first steps to the cartwheel:

Oh yes, this little gal is VERY proud. She will do it over and over, asking me, "Mom, you want to see the biggest one? The biggest in the whole world?" And then we field a lot of, "Watch me. Are you watching? Look at me."

********
Today Anna rocked the first day of school in the "big kids" class. She didn't miss a beat. Ran up the sidewalk excited. Went straight in the class, no tears and no fuss. And she even almost forgot to kiss her mother goodbye. (Gasp.)

In the 3-year-old class, there are two teachers and 16 kids. So this is a big adjustment just in size. Also, they have cubbies outside the classroom where the kids are responsible for hanging their backpacks and lunch boxes. And the BIG kicker (for mama) is that parents drop off the kiddos at the classroom door. SO BIG.

Here's the obligatory first-day photos:

Surprising Baylee

Thus far, the Yourees have yet to pull off a surprise as "epic" as the one that happened last weekend.

Let me set it up for you.

We're hoping to grow by one, meaning our little Civic Hybrid is feeling smaller and smaller (especially when 3-year-old feet kick against the seat). And we happened to know a gal, who's had a difficult year and could use a car. So, we decided it was time Baylee, our niece, inherited the Honda.

Oh, we've planned this for months. Along with the help of the Johnsons, we've prodded and pushed for her to practice that driving and secure that license. Perhaps, there was a little resistance from the teen. Ahem. But if she'd only known . . . .

With license procured and many successful driving ventures, it was time. This all went down the Saturday before she started her senior year of high school. (Fun way to kick off the school year, right?)

The Johnsons told Baylee they were taking her on a surprise shopping trip, leaving early that Saturday morning. She had no idea where they were going . . . and she HATES shopping. So after driving for three hours, they stop for lunch.

Bryan, Anna, and I just "happen" to be at the same place eating lunch.

When Baylee saw us walk in, she looked stunned and confused. Hahahaha. Her face got red as she kept saying, "What? What? What?"

We told her it was a surprise lunch date before her big senior start. She clearly felt confused.

Then after lunch, I gave her this gift. And here's what happened.

She paid for the car. I mean, we weren't giving it away. Teehee. Here are pics from the exchange:

Driving off into the sunset with her new "baby." Speaking of baby, I brought mine home in that car; so, Baylee you better take good care of it. :-)

Still Waiting for that Phone Call: Our Second Adoption Journey

Just a few days ago, I presented a seminar on the topic of what the Church can do to care for orphans. My last point was this: God creates families. It's His business.

I really do believe this. I believe God is sovereign. I believe God creates families with detail and care and precision.

But my mother's heart has waited for 10 months for a second baby, and my mind is fighting--a losing battle--to think on what is true. I'm weary of waiting. I'm scared of the "what if." I am forgetting what I know to be true thanks to fear.

On the Fort Worth Moms Blog today, you will find my latest posting, aptly titled: "Waiting to Adopt . . . and Waiting and Waiting. This is an update about our adoption journey and a glimpse into what it feels like, at least for me, to be waiting for baby. I think it really applies not only to the wait for adoption, but also for any woman waiting for a child. Pregnancy blood test or agency phone call--waiting is so, so, so hard.

So if you see me, just remind me: God is sovereign. God creates families. God loves me.

Parenting Means Answering the Hard Questions

My blog posting took a vacation for a few weeks this summer to celebrate family visits, vacations, my father-in-law's retirement (after 41 years, y'all), and an unseasonably cool summer here in Texas (only THREE days in the 100s for July. Ah-mazing).

During these days, little Anna Zane's question quota has risen . . . immensely, sometimes "to infinity and beyond." I field a lot of "why," "what's that," and "do you see me/can you find me." But she's also stopped me in my tracks a time or two. Sometimes I immediately knew the answer. Sometimes I didn't.

For example, as we were about to visit the store, she asked, "Will you ever leave me behind?" The quick response was "no, not a chance, never, no way." But my heart fretted wondering why she asked that. Of course, this very interesting and insightful article recently published in the Huffington Post only added fuel to my adoption-related worries.

Anna also discovered a bit about death thanks to a large cemetery in Galveston. She was first mortified to learn--or so she thought--that people turned into stones when they died (a la the tombstones filling the  cemetery). And then was truly upset when she realized people die. People like her mama and daddy. People like her. I had to tell her not to worry and she wouldn't die for a long, long time just to get her to move on. I cannot have my 3-year-old pondering her death every day.

And then Tuesday she asked if God was in her heart. She informed me she wanted God to live in her heart. That was followed by:
Is He there?
Do you see Him?
Does He talk? Will my heart talk?
Where is God?
Where is my heart?

If anyone would like to give me suggestions on how to answer those, I'm happy to receive them! I just kept saying, "yes."

On Friday, Anna saw a photo on a desk at this office we were visiting. It was of a grandfather, grandmother, and their grandchildren. All where white except this one little black girl around 2-years-old. Anna pointed to the young girl and asked if that was her. To us, that is a really big recognition because she now sees the differences between us and recognizes herself to be unique in the family. We are prayerfully always considering how to guide her through understanding adoption and the joy she brings to our family.

Whew, this parenting gig is no joke.

If You're Visiting Fort Worth . . .

In just a handful of weeks, many FWB friends will visit Fort Worth for a week-long conference. So like a good pal and helpful tour guide, please allow me to share a few tips.

1. It's hot. This should not be a news flash. It's Texas. It's July. It's hot. You know that cute layering tank or shirt you love? Yeah, don't bring it. One shirt is all you need. Extra layers just means extra sweat. Don't bring jeans. Don't bring heavy knits. Single-layered cotton is your friend. TRUST me.
2. Don't say Dallas when you mean Fort Worth or vice versa. These cities may be neighbors, but they are different as night and day. Locals take great offense to confusing the two. 
3. If you're hoping for sweet tea, you better bring your own. This is Texas, not to be mistaken for the South.
4. Cowtown and Fort Worth are synonymous. 
5. Parking is free downtown in the evenings (after 5, I think) and on the weekends. Score.

Since the majority of folks will stay near the convention center, you'll be delighted to know the number of restaurants--and yummy restaurants--are many. And did I mention walking distance from the convention center? Oh yes . . . .

• Craving Mexican? Make a dash to Mi Cocina (you must, and I mean MUST order the guacamole as an appetizer).
• Texas BBQ: Riscky's is your No. 1 stop. Melt in your mouth, nearly die it's so good. Sigh.
• Looking for super pizza and pasta? Try Taverna on Throckmorton. My favorite Italian place in the city.
• If you want a taste of Fort Worth fine dining, be sure to make reservations for Reata. It's a Cowtown icon--and for good reason.
• To feast on steak, Del Frisco is the place to go. However, be prepared for the $$$ price tag.
• Hello sushi! Piranha's is delectable.
• And eat at the Little Red Wasp. It's all the rage. It's new. It's trendy. It's tasty.
• With ALL the fantastic restaurants (this is merely a sampling) nearby, please don't eat at the Corner Bakery. It's like choosing to eat only bread and water at Thanksgiving. :-)

If you're game for venturing out of the convention center area, check out some of my favorite restaurants:

• Fuzzy's Tacos (holy queso)
• Ellerbe Fine Foods
• Nonna Tata (it doesn't have a website; so you know it's good)
• Paris Coffee Shop (breakfast! breakfast! breakfast!)
• Cafe Brazil
• Flying Fish
• Red, Hot, and Blue
• Lonesome Dove
• Salsa Limon
• Terra (best Mediterranean food I've eaten outside the Mediterranean)

I like food. Can you tell?

For activities and fun, our family enjoys these:

• Fort Worth Zoo. Top notch. Our zoo is something like one of the top five zoos in the country. And don't think "no way" because you're worried about the heat. The zoo is a perfect mix of indoor and outdoor exhibits and is always well shaded. I could go on and on. It's really THAT great.
• Since you'll be downtown, check out the Sundance Square, especially if you have littles. Those kiddos will ADORE the fountain splash pad. Do note, however, that play is only allowed during certain times of the day and only street clothes are allowed (no swim diapers or bathing suits).
• The Fort Worth Water Gardens are also a sight for hot and tired eyes. You cannot get in the fountains but it's a fun, neat place to visit.
• Take the curious kids to the Museum of Science and History. Newly renovated, our children's museum offers interactive, interesting exhibits ANY toddler to teen would enjoy. It's, well, amazing.
• For lovers of art and beauty, I'm proud to tell you we're just not cowboys in Cowtown. Our moniker is the "City of Cowboys and Culture." The Amon Carter Museum, Kimbell Museum, and Modern Art Museum of Fort Worth are unbelievable. Honest. My husband and I like to visit art museums when we travel. Many cities' finest now pale in comparison to the gems we have right here at home. Go. You'll thank me.
• Parks and playground galore in this city! Our favorites are the Trinity River playground and Tillery Park. 
• Looking for a great water park? PLEASE DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY AT HURRICANE HARBOR! The price is ridiculous. The crowds are out of control. Theft is a huge problem. It's sooooo spread out. If you're looking for a great, family-friendly water park with something for everyone, NRH2O is THE place for you. Clean. Safe. Affordable. Families everywhere. Fun. 
• Even if you hate the Rangers or have never heard of baseball (it's possible . . . maybe), snatch up some tickets to a Texas Rangers game. The games are incredibly fun. The food is really tasty, especially the fare in the food court behind the outfield. And did I mention the playground? So fun! 
• And what's a trip to Cowtown without visiting the Stockyards? Check out the website for store info, restaurants, and cattle drive times (yes, you read that correctly. live cattle drives happening here). Want more history even the kids can enjoy? Try the Van Zandt Cottage or the Log Cabin Village.
• Bet you didn't know that Fort Worth is home to a mint? Yes, the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing produces bills in Fort Worth, which happens to be the only city other than D.C. where bills are minted. Free tour. Free museum. Stacks of money. Need I say more?

Here's to your Fort Worth visit. I truly, truly hope your stay is filled with good memories and a few laughs. Yeehaw, y'all!